Gym Etiquette

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Since everyone who reads this will likely be finding happiness at a gym now I think it’s only fair I prepare another etiquette guide for those of us new to athletic clubs, locker rooms, and gyms in general.

Without further ado, the following should be observed whilst working out at the gym:

Coordinate your outfits

Style and fashion do not leave their hats at the door. As soon as you walk into the gym you haven’t left society. Dress appropriately. Ladies, this means your red tank top should be matching your red and white shoes and red scrunchies. This is common sense, I know, but I feel like I should explain it. You’re here to impress people and first impressions are never spoken.

Make eye contact

In fact, there’s rarely anything spoken. You may say hello to the lady at the front desk. You might even nod to the guy who walks in at the same time as you every day. But, other than that, keep the chit-chat to a minimum. To avoid conversations make sure to always bring reading material or a portable music player. If you feel the need to interact with people around you simply make eye-contact frequently; especially with those of the (attractive) opposite sex. I’m sure you’ll be fulfilling some sort of need by doing this.

Grunt and moan loudly

If you’re a guy you may not be able to use bright reds and pinks to attract women to you. That’s fine, you’re not a flower, you’re a man. Men lift big weights. So, grunt loudly and make obnoxious sounds when you lift. The benefits are threefold: it helps you lift the weight, it draws attention to you, and it stretches your vocal muscles. If you’re not making loud noises you know you’re not doing it right. If you don’t sound like you’re struggling you’re going to make the people around you feel inadequate. Don’t give the impression that being macho comes easy; it’s hard work.

Don’t wipe down equipment

If you want to help out people the last thing you do is clean up after yourself. You want to help the economy right? By leaving your mess for others you’re creating jobs. Personally, I keep two or three people employed on any given day. So, make sure you leave your sweat on the equipment at the gym. Even if nobody gets to wiping it down you’re helping the next person. They’ll waste less energy warming up that seat. It’s simple physics.

Towels are optional

Once you hit the locker room its time to let everything out. Guys, if you’re over 35 years old you don’t need a towel around your waist, they’re optional. In fact, take a towel and simply throw it over your shoulder in protest. Fellas, if you’re younger than 25 you need to wear a bathing suit, even into the showers. You don’t know what politician and/or priest might be in there, right? Ladies, I don’t know what it’s like in there but I can only imagine.

Talk loudly in the showers

We all know that running water can be pretty loud, especially when more than one shower is running. With that said, If you wish to hold a conversation with the person next to you then you’re going to need to speak up. Way up. In fact, everyone in the locker-rooms should be able to hear about what you’re doing this weekend, how obnoxious your kids are, and how much you hate George W. Bush. Naturally, the shower is the best and most appropriate time to converse with a friend of the same-sex. Nothing says rapport like scrubbing yourself during dialogue.

These are just some of the fundamental tips. Having read this you should have no trouble at the gym now. Any other suggestions? Leave them in the comments…

Exercise Equals Happiness

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Did you know that exercising can make you a happier person? Well it certainly has in my case. See, at the beginning of the year I made some crazy resolutions; this was called my “Personal Improvement Project.” I started working out a few times a week (the goal was 3 times) and then in the summer I joined a big athletic club down the street (rated one of the best in Colorado) and now visit it usually 4 or 5 times a week.

Let me back up. Potential-Nobel-Prize-Winner Scott Adams has come up with a pretty accurate description of happiness:

Sometimes you think you

Supernatural powers

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I haven’t had time to check out the new hit show, Heroes, on NBC but I hear it’s pretty good. It’s a show about ordinary citizens that realize they have supernatural powers. Wow. Of course its a hit, X-Men was, too. Seriously, the Heroes blog doesn’t seem to appreciate people making the connection. If you ask me, the premise is identical. The reason people seem to enjoy this show a bit more is the overwhelming amounts of drama and lack of goofy superhero costumes. At least, that’s my guess.

I’d also venture to say people enjoy a show like this because it allows us to escape. We think “wow that’d be neat if I had some sort of power.” Why? Is there a reason we need an advantage over others? Do some of us feel cheated and need something that others don’t have? I wonder…

Instead of fantasizing over individuals with unrealistic powers why don’t we have shows highlighting amazing people who are the same as you and I? Would that make us feel insignificant? Are we incapable of doing great things and don’t want to be reminded of it? I wonder…

Personally, I don’t have these issues because I know I have a power. I destroy light bulbs. In the last 24 hours I’ve broken two light bulbs. Two lamps on my desk burnt out. I thought it was odd so I tried a bulb in another lamp. I underestimated my own strength and broke the bulb in my hand. The next morning I went to the garage and that light burnt out, too. Perhaps it’s not a superpower, perhaps I’m just so strong and scary the bulbs tremble when I’m about.

I guess I like to fantasize too…

me.dium

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David Cohen from ColoradoStartups.com pointed to a neat tool today. It’s called me.dium and it’s a browser tool that tracks your surfing behavior and helps you determine relevant sites near you. While browsing you have the option of viewing your me.dium map. This map shows sites “near” you in terms of relevancy. The relevancy is determined by a number of things based on users’ surfing patterns (and a slew of other things, I’m sure). For example, the Wall Street Journal yields the map shown here.

As you can see, sites like USAToday, the NY Times and Washington Post show up as sites near your current page. If other users happened to be browsing these sites (or the one you’re on) you can actually communicate with them and add them as a ‘friend’.

I like this tool so far because it helps me draw connections that I (and others) might not otherwise make. Sites like StumbleUpon and digg are great but they require a human to make a conscious decision. I’d need to find something interesting or something relevant and go through some sort of process to flag that page. In me.diums case, it does all this for you.

Currently, me.dium is in private beta and constantly looking for feedback and improvements. I’ve only been surfing for a few hours but it’s a very interesting concept.. If you’d like to try it out (the more users, the better a tool like this works) then leave a comment telling me who you are, where you’re from, and how you first found my site. If you’re a CU student then you can just signup with your @colorado.edu address (me.dium is local to Boulder, CO).

An extra hour

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As you should have realized by now, today we (well, most of us) celebrated the wonderful thing called Daylight Saving Time. In short, we gained an extra hour today. I woke up at 11am which was really 10am. I used my extra hour to sleep today.

But what about you? What are your plans for this extra hour? Spend it wisely, we only get this opportunity once a year. Today I took that extra hour and slept in. I’ve been extremely busy this week and didn’t get as many naps as I would’ve like (biphasic sleep*). I probably should have spent my hour working on something productive. I have a big accounting test this week. Oh well.

What if we had an extra hour every day? How would you spend your time? I’d probably use that hour to read a book. No matter how I try I have a hard time fitting time in to just sit down and read. It’s given me an idea for a company, more on that later.

Now what if we had an hour less each day? What would suffer? Would you sleep less? Maybe go to the gym less? I have no idea what I’d do. I already feel like my days are overbooked. I’m sure the same would hold true if we had 30 hours in a day. Like some fish, I feel we adapt to the size of our environment. If we had less time, we’d do less. This is why, although our lives are “more efficient” we seem busier than ever. We keep pushing and striving for more (craziness) in our lives.

Happy Daylight Savings.

* Someone made a biphasic sleep entry on Wikipedia based on my FAQ. For more information on how biphasic sleep affects my life feel free to search my archives.

How to go phishing

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Phishers aren’t stupid, they’ve got a pretty good thing going for them: free money. I think we’re all familiar with how phishing works. Someone sends out hundreds of thousands, if not millions of emails to people posing as a bank, eBay, PayPal, King of Zimbabwe, etc.

Even if .0001% of the people who get these emails fall for them that’s a pretty huge return. It doesn’t cost much to send an email, right? But, as I mentioned the emails are pretty much a shot in the dark. A random email to a random person from a seemingly trusting but often unfamiliar source. Most of us know we don’t have an account with Bank of America, right? I obviously won’t even open those emails. So, how do you increase the odds of people opening their emails?

Phish a friend

What if we made a script that scrapes people’s social networking sites and learns about them? Kevin over at WIRED made a script that finds sexual predators on MySpace. Couldn’t we make one that gathered everyone’s top friends and then sent an email posed as them? I’d certainly open an email addressed from someone in my ‘top 8’. Wouldn’t you? Think about something as simple as the following:

hey man sorry i havent emailed u in a while. anyway i want to buy this stuff on amazon but it sux because it doesnt take my cc. could you send me your number and ill hit you back later?? you no im good for it. anyway holla at ya later.

Obviously a lot of damage could be done if someone grabbed their card and hit reply. I’d certainly think about helping a friend like that. Maybe not via email but some people (obviously) don’t know better.

What if someone is listed with a college education and a high income? You could use some different cases like:

Hey Jon, I was looking to get a present for my Mom but since I’m switching banks my card doesn’t work. Would you mind lending me your information? It’s only $24.99 + shipping and I can just write you a check. Would you mind? I’d really appreciate it, man. Take it easy, Mark.

Those are some emails that I imagine people would stop and think about. “Hey, it’s from Mark, of course I trust him”. Trust is powerful. Make a program that can manipulate it and I think your odds of successfully scamming people will greatly increase.

Besides, think of how popular you’d become. CNN would label you something clever like the ‘MySpace Scammer’. You’d be uber popular!

Anyway, whoever decides to do this, let me know and we can split the earnings up accordingly.

Update: Seth Godin writes about people who attempt this kind of manipulation and the power of trust, as well.

Update 2: A recent ‘social phishing’ study confirms the powerful notion I explored here..

The Starfish and the Spider

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So far I’m doing a horrible job of maintaining my ‘read a book each month’ resolution. So, in my attempt to catch up I recently started acquiring a bunch of books. The first being The Starfish and the Spider: The Unstoppable Power of Leaderless Organizations by Ori Brafman and Rod Beckstrom (Amazon).

As others have mentioned, this book is kinda like a new ‘The Tipping Point’ in the sense that it looks at these societal phenomena and tries to simplify them. The book does that with two very clever metaphors: the starfish and the spider. A starfish is a creature that is decentralized. Cut off a leg and it grows back (and the leg becomes a new organism). If you cut off the head of a spider, though, it dies.

Some of the most successful groups have been decentralized. Alcoholics Anonymous, Wikipedia, even eBay has an element of decentralization to it. The point is, there are a lot of groups that require a certain level of decentralization; they need to find the sweet spot.

I enjoyed this book because it looked at a lot of cool subjects (from abolitionism to craigslist) and analyzed this underlying reason for their widespread success. I enjoyed it so much I took it to the gym for two days and finished the 200 pages in record time. I highly recommend this book to anyone and everyone because it takes very detailed observations and makes them easy to understand. 10/10

Note: I decided that I want to track my book reviews so I took the movie rating plugin found on the bottom site and created a a book review plugin. You can find it on my Tools page.

Miss Dewey Sucks

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I want to talk about marketing production quality and how Miss Dewey lacks it. If you haven’t seen this site yet, it’s basically a search engine with a saucy librarian standing there being snarky and clever on occasion. If you don’t get around to typing in a search she’ll try to get your attention.

Quite annoying, really.

Does this novelty attract anyone? Sure. For the first visit. Do people come back again and again? No effing way.

Why not?

Humor works sparingly

Humor, as a marketing tool, gets old very quickly. Some people can execute humor extremely well. They end up making Miller Lite Commercials. But, do you see the same funny commercial more than once or twice during a football game? No way. The humor wears off and people become annoyed. Think of the Superbowl Commercials that get reused dozens of times for weeks after the game. You start to hate them pretty quickly.

The same goes for Dewey. She’ll grab a lot of quick attention but there’s no reason for me to go back and hear the same five witticisms on loop.

Quality over novelty

Here’s a fun bonus: turn up your volume when she begins talking and listen closely. You can hear the producers in the background (‘and… action’). They even talk to her (‘show me some more pouty… aw…’). How many people ignored that? That seems like a big oversight on someone’s part. I’d be embarrassed to put something like that on the web.

And that’s saying a lot given last my previous production!

Sure, the site probably didn’t take much time to make. Unfortunately, it shows. I think this is a pretty simplistic attempt at something ‘viral’ and so far it’s worked. But who did this, and why would they?

How to improve

Raise your hand if you enjoy Clippy.

Anyone with marketing sense would realize this is a terrible idea. First, where’s the value-added? It’s a talking search box on loop. Personally, I’d make her a lot more inappropriate. Suddenly an annoying gimmick becomes entertainment. That’s better execution. Godaddy used it and it seemed to work for them.

EVB messed up

This surprises me: after some quick research the company behind this site is EVB. They’ve made some great stuff and were even honored at SXSW for their work. EVB claims to “deliver entertaining and engaging content that connects with consumers” but I don’t see it in this site. I see an attempt to deliver something more personal (someone talking to me) and dynamic (my input or lack thereof initiates action from her).

But, overall, it’s lame. Daniel, if you’re listening, provide some insight, please?

College Etiquette

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I’ve been in college for two and a half years now and I’ve picked up on some things. Going to college at a huge, public university has been a great experience. Don’t like the kid you’re sitting next to today? That’s fine, there’s 398 more to pick from tomorrow. Looking to meet some new people? Good! You’ve got 30,000 to pick from!

Okay, I admit, it’s not that easy to conquer the college lifestyle. With lots of people come lots of random encounters. Hopefully this guide will find you success in all your college endeavors.

Bathroom etiquette

If you’re a male and you’re looking to use the public facilities, god help you. We all know the ‘every-other-urinal’ rule. And, if you don’t, well, you’re going to make my bathroom experience pretty damn awkward. If you’re going to use a stall be sure to open the door as aggressively as possible, this lets everyone know you’re here. As a general rule though, go at home and stay away from these bathrooms.

But, sometimes we have little choice, especially in the dorms (luckily they clean those daily). Rest assured, the price you pay to use the public restrooms will be rewarded with clever newsletters posted to the walls and stall doors. Read slowly and enjoy these because they’ll remain for two months. If you’ve solved the riddle, do not, write the solution on the newsletter. This is both rude and frustrating to those of us spending 3 days a week trying to solve them.

Oh, and if you’re in the dorms and going out tonight, be sure to make a mess all over the counters. In the dorms, you’re more important than everyone around you. Your mess is for someone else to deal with. I hate people who try to convince me otherwise; this isn’t the “real world” or anything, assholes.

Guys, despite popular belief, it’s not cool to go up to the girls floors and wait for shower time. This is terribly taboo. Heaven help you if you brought your folding chair. Now you’re just being tactless.

Holding open doors

When you’re in college you’re important. You’re the future of the world. The fate of society rests on your shoulders. Be sure to remember that when I hold the door open for you. If you’re to acknowledge my act of kindness you’re going to bring yourself down to my level. This is to be avoided at all costs.

Holding the door open for someone else is obviously out of the question. By keeping the doors open longer than necessary you’re being extremely wasteful. Air conditioning is not cheap and every time you take a test in an obsessively hot room you can thank those assholes letting out all the cold air.

Walking around campus

Everyone drives on the right side of the road. The same should be observed when walking. This makes it easier for everyone to get from A to B. If you happen to encounter someone on the wrong side it’s best to show them they’re out of place by walking straight towards them and then shuffling left-right-left as if to politely avoid them. If you’re lucky they’ll perform the same dance and end up in the same spot as you. This social awkwardness is necessary to remind them they crossed the boundary.

If you’re a male walking on a narrow brick path along the grass and a female is approaching it’s customary to get off the path at least 20 meters in advance and walk in the grass (slash mud, slash snow). This is common sense because women deserve the nice brick path; by all means, do not treat them as equals. There are exceptions to this rule, though. If you’re a prick or listening to your iPod be sure to ignore everyone around you and maintain your course. Guys, if a female beats you and jumps off the path you do not remain on the path. You must still walk in the grass in order to symbolize your good intent. She may even make eye contact if you’re to do this. A glance from a girl on a campus of 40,000 is worth sacrificing a few blades of grass, I assure you.

Speaking in class

If you’re ridiculously smart (you know who you are) then, by all means, raise your hand at every opportunity made available. Professors love students that participate. Students love peers who can impart wisdom upon them. It’s like a value-added bonus to the college experience.

As a general rule, you need to speak slowly. This makes the class pass quickly and painlessly. If you’re talking about a very simple subject be sure to say the same thing once or twice during your monologue. This ensures every member of the class can understand your dense commentary. If you’re looking to get noticed be sure to counter and argue everyone’s points; especially the professor’s. You have no idea how cool it is when people come up to you at parties and know you as ‘the guy in my stats class who proved the teacher wrong’.

Cell phones

This may just be the most important section so pay close attention. Cell phones are to be used as badges of popularity. If you’re walking between classes and you’re not on the phone, you’re obviously a loser. In fact, pick up your phone and call someone to “see how they’re doing” just to make sure people know you have friends to talk to. This is win-win because it’ll also make your friends feel appreciated because you thought of them when you had nothing better to do.

When in an extremely loud area it can be hard to hear your conversation. If it’s a very important dialogue be sure to step into a quiet area, preferably a computer lab, library, or lounge and maintain your conversation at it’s previous volume level. This ensures the people around you notice your presence, popularity, and importance. Don’t take any less than three minutes to maintain this conversation, even if it requires going around the same point once or twice. If you can, be sure to laugh loudly; people who smile are seen as more attractive.

I’ve only touched on a few of the key experiences that college will bring and I hope it brings you good fortune. If you have any questions or additional tips please leave them in the comments.

9rules rocks

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I had some free time today. Instead of a music video I did my own rap song in GarageBand. This song is dedicated to all those cool kids at 9rules. Enjoy.

Download 9rules rocks.mp3 (01:56, 2.2mb)

Let me tell you ’bout a site, it’s got lots of blogs
It’s older than you think, but not as much as pogs
Yeah, pogs, I can’t rhyme
The CD’s name? White comma Tyme.

Scrivs: Hi Tyme, Tyme: I’m sorry?

It came about in oh three, it looked wicked lame
It needed some design, so in Mike came

Mike: What does it taste like?

The CEO’s a dork, he danced like a fool
I challenged him because he looked so damn cool
His name’s Scrivs, S-C-R-I-V
He’s bringing sexy back just like JT

Tyme: Don’t you realize that? Laughing. Scrivs: What?

They go and look at the coolest blogs for us
Just like Justin I’ll take it to the chorus

9rules rocks, 9rules rules

Those members kick ass, I’ve met a lot
You guys know josue, he smokes tons of pot
People like Stammy look at Mint non-stop
Their heads are so big they’re about to pop

Just playing, you guys are the shit
You’re the best blog network, err content network, no community
Thats it!

9rules rocks, 9rules rules

If you dont have a Mac you cant get in
How’d Tyme get hired? Her purple-faced grin?

Tyme: Devin needs his ass spanked. Scrivs: You’re fucked.

But seriously, I love these guys
their sites are the best, they’re wicked flys!

Tyme: They’re doing something cool, Scrivs

They are, you know how we do
9rules, it rocks people
Let it be known
Back to the chorus

9rules rocks, 9rules rules

Shit, I’m not even a member.