I’ve done a bunch of flying in the last few months (for work and training). I still get a little excited every time I fly. Airports have so many people and airplanes have so many people in a small spot. This means excellent people watching. I’ve come up with some of my favorite passenger profiles:

• Can’t fit anything in the over-head bin: Why does it take 30 minutes to get 100 people on a small commuter plane? Because of this guy. Maybe if you owned a less awkwardly shaped bag you wouldn’t struggle to find a bin that a L-shaped opening. Seriously, you weren’t that good at tetris, why do you think you can manage this bin? Go find another one and let me guy by!
• Wonders why there isn’t a blanket: Why are you making a big deal? You paid $400+ for this seat and your happiness is hinging on a pillow / blanket. Those things are gross, expensive, and if it’s such a necessity–why don’t you pack one? Stop bothering the flight attendant and making me listen to you.
• Slept through beverage service: If you can’t stay awake for the 20 minute boarding process, 5 minute taxing and 15 minute ascent before beverage service why do you deserve a cup of Sprite? Are you really that tired? Was there nothing you could’ve done to pass the few minutes before a drink would come around? Apparently so because now you and the seven other lazy passengers are going to make the attendant go back and forth between the galley. That’s 14 trips he or she didn’t need to do.
• The seatbelt sign doesn’t apply to me: The plane touched the ground, seatbelt off! Dude, you’re in row 24–you won’t be grabbing your bag for at least 12 more minutes: sit down! Oh and why did you think it was cool to get up and go to the bathroom whenever you wanted? The light is on because it’s not safe, dummy. I’m glad they called you out over the intercom, you self-centered tool.

Please tell me you fit one of these profiles because you make my flights go so much faster! And if you’re not, please tell me you find as much pleasure in these people as I do.